Taking the Exam

I have learned hard things
And come to understand
What I wish I never knew.

I cannot enjoy a meal
Or have a conversation
With my back to the door.

Upon entering a room
I look for anything available
To take as a weapon.

I cannot rest or sleep
Without my sidearm
Close at hand.

I awake to full alert
At the sound
Of a cricket.

Before I enter a store
I check through the glass
To avoid a robbery in progress.

I check the eyes of strangers
And walk with a purpose
Playing poker with fate.

I see the entire world
Through the filter
Of lights and sirens.

This is both
My weakness and strength
The price paid for the path I’ve walked.

Homicide and suicide
Larceny and fraud
Are hard teachers

And I am still taking the exam.