A Potent Cocktail

Fear and adrenalin
Is a potent cocktail.

The morning the bullets buzzed
Like twin bees
Past my left ear
Pocking the brick wall
Behind me
I thought I was
A very lucky man.

Ten minutes later
I was sitting on a curb
Puking my guts into
A sewer drain.

Fear and adrenalin.

The night I closed
A high speed pursuit
Got the runner out of the car
Tagged and dragged
I leaned against the trunk of my squad
With a sudden
Sledge hammer headache
And twisting stomach
Spitting up bile
Until I was as weak
As a puppy.

Fear and adrenalin.

When the nightmares began
Returning me
To the blood and bodies
I begged for relief
For resolution
That has yet to come

Fear and adrenalin.

When the ICU doctors told me
I could not survive
I felt the grip of ice
At the tips of my fingers and toes
The choke at the back of my throat
Wondering what death
Would feel like.

Fear and adrenalin.

The afternoon I came home
To an empty house
Empty bank account
And a terse note of farewell
My head swam in a fog
Of bitterness and unreality.

Fear and adrenalin.

I will drink this cocktail again.
It never is one I’d order
Had I the choice.
It is always sent by another
From across the room.
But this cup never passes
Until I drink it full.

You too will drink it.
It will bend you in half.
It will knife your gut.
It will hammer your brain.
It will seem to destroy you.
You will not know
What to do
When it is forced upon you.
You will drink it full.
And you will survive.

But fear and adrenalin
Is a potent cocktail.